We Won't Say Our Goodbyes
by poisonedbabii
Summary: "Promise me that everything it's going to be okay. Promise me that you'll always be there." Kate Beckett and Rick Castle are happily married and their lives are about to change, but sometimes we don't get ours happily ever after. *Warning: Angst and character death*
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **I don't own any of this, I wish I did, but I don't.

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It's a Friday afternoon and Richard comes home to find the thing sitting on their bed. It rests on a napkin, laying there innocently within the sheets and pillows. For a moment he doesn't realize what it is and just stares at it, eyes falling on the clearly marked little plus sign, that is just visible in the light that falls through the window. His heart stops when it finally clicks in his head. Rick picks the thing up and makes his way through the apartment, looking for his wife.

The mess in the bathroom is impossible to miss, some towels tossed on the floor and little boxes scattered on the floor. Richard doesn't need to look what the boxes are from, he can see their contents sitting on the sink, all bearing the same little plus sign the one in his hand had.

He finds Kate in his office sitting on his chair, facing the wall. Castle stands in the doorway and watches as she fidgets with the thin silver chain around her neck bearing her engagement ring. She slips it over her finger absently and then off again, rolling it across her palm. Castle stays quiet for a moment, just watching her, before he steps into the room. He knows she hears him coming in by the way she freezes, her shoulders tensing up and the ring falling from her hands.

"You're not supposed to be home yet," she whispers.

"The meeting was canceled," he tells her, moving to stand next to her. Rick puts one hand on her shoulder but doesn't say another word for a moment, not sure of how she'll react. "Were you going to tell me, or …"

Kate swallows and tightens her grip around the ring on the end of the chain. "I… don't know," she chokes after a shaky breath. Rick blinks, reeling inside like he'd been slapped in the face with the honesty behind that admission. For a second he remains where he is, dumbstruck, before he takes her hand and leads them to the couch, where they sit facing each other. He wants to put a hand on her leg when he notices she's trembling but something holds him back and instead he lets it hover just inches away.

"Why?" he asks. When she doesn't present him an answer he lets an unspoken fear sink in, twist around inside him until he feels sick and then force it's way out. "It's mine, right?"

At that Beckett laughs, it's a dark laugh as if there's no real humor behind it, but it's still a laugh. "Oh, God, don't be an idiot. Of course it's yours, Castle." The writer lets his hand rest on her shoulder, then pulls her backwards into his chest. "Why would you even think that?" She says leaning on his shoulders.

"I panicked okay? I'm sorry. Really, I'm really sorry. I'm stupid, just forget I said anything." With that Kate starts to laugh more than she should at a situation like this. Her husband had suggested that she'd cheated on him and she was laughing at it. "Kate stop it, please. I'm really sorry, don't laugh." She does what he asks and turns facing him.

"It's not funny, I know. I'm sorry too." The detective smiles at her husband, who does the same. Castle makes her lay in his arms again as he wraps his arms around her and glides his fingers down to rest over her stomach and can't help but clench his fingers into the fabric of her shirt.

"It's just…" Beckett hesitates before she continues, "I don't think I can do it, you know? I have never been the kind of woman who dreams and makes plans about it. I don't even know how to hold a baby properly, don't even get me started in how to raise one and-" She says really fast.

"Hey, hey! You'll do fine," Castle assures near her ear, "You have me. Don't forget that I have done this before and got a R.H.D" They laugh.

"Yeah, that's reassuring" She teases him, but with a smile. Silence settles between them for a moment. They stayed there laying together on the couch, staring at nothing, the only hearing sound being their breathing.

"Promise me that everything it's going to be ok. Promise me that you'll always be there." Kate says breaking their silence.

Yeah, she know that she sounds a little desperate. A little too desperate for someone who is talking to her loving husband. But she needs that confirmation, she knows that she'll need all the help that she can get, she knows that she won't get to ask her mother for that help and that's when she realizes why she's feeling this way. And knowing Castle, she knows that he had realized it too.

"Of course," he promises. "I will always be there Kate. Always."

"Good," Kate mutters, "'Cause you know that I carry a gun."

"Uh, well it won't have to be used in this case."

They laugh and make their way to the bedroom where they lay on the mattress together, Castle tracing circles across her stomach and Kate complaining that it tickles.

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**A/N: Hi there! Barbara here :D  
We still got a few chapters to go and I have to say that this fanfic it's about to get a little dramatic. Hope you like it and review it!**

**Twitter: **misssparkIes.

**Tumblr: **alwayscatchingkillers


	2. Chapter 2

It's two weeks too early when Kate Beckett goes into labor. Two weeks too early, too wrong. Castle's watching some random movie on TV when Kate comes out of the kitchen, white faced with a hand extended towards him. "Babe," she says quietly, "When my water breaks is there supposed to be blood?" Rick stands and takes the hand, his thumbs going over the liquid that streaks her fingers.

"No," he says as he reaches for his phone, "Not that much." It takes less than a minute for him to call for an ambulance, twenty minutes for the ambulance to arrive, and twenty more for it to get to the hospital. Too many minutes.

Castle tries to tell her that everything's going to be okay, like he promised. He says it over and over every minute, every second, trying to convince himself that it will be. Except that there's blood, and the bleeding doesn't stop. It's when Kate starts to scream that he knows that everything is not going to be okay. Kate is always the strong one, the one who grins and bears it. She's supposed to be the "badass".

"It hurts," she chokes out as he holds her hands between his, unable to feel his fingers in the tightness of her grip.

"It'll be okay," he whispers. He knows she doesn't believe him, because he doesn't even believe himself anymore. He knows she knows the little tells of his lies because she knows all his stories, but he says it anyways. "It's going to be okay."

Except that it's not okay. The baby is twisted up in it's own umbilical cord and facing the wrong way, too difficult to get to via C-section without serious risk. As it stands Castle is pulled aside and told it's likely that the child will be stillborn after such a difficult birth. But hours later, after too much blood and too much time, they're rewarded with a cry. For a moment Castle lets himself feel relief, let's his heart soar as the doctor cuts the umbilical cord that nearly killed the baby and wraps it up for him to hold.

"It's a girl," he tells Kate, smiling shakily as he balances the baby against his chest with one arm, his other hand still wrapped around hers. "She's got your eyes."

"Don't give her a stupid name like Nikki," Kate whispers. It's those words that makes Rick wake up out of his short period of bliss. It takes him less than a second to realize something's terribly wrong. Beckett smiles at him with glazed eyes and when he squeezes her hand she barely twitches her fingers in his grip.

"Hey, no, no, no," he says, "You're supposed to be the strong one, Kate. Come on. You just need some rest."

"Cast-"

"Shhh, it'll be okay." Lies. He pretends that they're not and he clutches her hand tighter as he says them.

"I-"

"No, no. Stop." Nurses are rushing around him, one of them trying to take the crying infant from his arms while another tries to pull him away from the hospital bed. "Please," he begs, unsure of whether he's pleading with his wife or some cruel higher power. "Don't do this to me, please. You're supposed to be the strong one. Please."

"-Love you." She smiles as she says it and Castle wants to smile too, wants to remember the morning coffees, books, swing sets, and every single thing that makes him remember them.

But he can't, because her fingers are slipping out of his and there's the long echoing single beep of a heart monitor that doesn't vary. The sound stretches out, unwavering in its single unchanging tone the moment Castle realizes that Kate is not looking at him anymore, she isn't looking at anything at all.

That's the moment he screams. It's a thousand times worse than Beckett's screams from before and it rips him apart. He screams because it's not supposed to be like this. They didn't work together for years and struggle to stay at each other's side to admit they cared after years of denying and became life partners for it to end this way. So he screams until he has no air left to scream with, because the heart monitor still sounds with its unending straight line and he can't breath on his own anymore. He feels like he's going to fall, going to refuse to suck in another breath to keep himself standing on this earth because there's no point any longer. Except that he's still holding the baby. The baby who's crying louder than him and it's for that reason, and that reason alone, that Rick remembers how to breathe, forces himself to breathe because he promised her, promised, that he wouldn't leave.

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Castle names her Elizabeth. It's a good name, he thinks. It's one of the names Kate was in love with, he loved it too, so it only made sense. He doesn't know if he'll ever tell her that's why he chose it.

Alexis moves back to the loft to stays with her father for the whole first year. She takes care of Lizzie, feeding her, changing her, holding her when she gets fussy, and doesn't comment on the fact that their dad barely leaves his room to eat, let alone to see his own baby girl. She doesn't say anything because there's nothing she could even if there were words to properly say it. There are only so many times a person can hear "I'm sorry," before it loses the meaning, so many times they can get flowers before they end up as smashed vases and crumpled petals

But when Lizzie cries in the middle of the night it's always Castle who calms her down, who rocks her back to sleep and whispers things to her that Alexis doesn't listen to because she knows she has no right to hear them. She stays in the hall, wondering how long it's been since he's spoken at all with every time his voice breaks. Sometimes she wants to tell him it's been hard on her too, that he's not the only one who lost Kate, but she doesn't. She doesn't because every time his voice breaks he doesn't stop, whispered songs and words for the one thing he feels he has left. Alexis wishes she could remind him that she's still there too, except she knows it's not the same thing. So she stays quiet and watches him rock Elizabeth back to sleep, her tiny fingers curled around one of his over a gold band.

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**A/N: Hi there, Barbara here :D**  
**Here it is angst part of our fanfic, where the pain and suffering begins. Hope you guys like it, and review it.**  
**There's a couple more chapters to the story. Maybe I'll upload it on the weekend.**

**Twitter: **missparkIes  
**Tumblr:** alwayscatchingkillers


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Hi there, Barbara here :D  
****Long time since the last update, I know and I'm sorry. Please don't shoot me!  
****I was the one who checked the grammar, but since English is not my first language I'd be glad if you guys let me know if there is any mistakes I missed.  
****Okay, here we go!**

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When Lizzie turns five Castle gives her a necklace with a the ring that Kate carried around her neck to honor her mother. Alexis knows the meaning and smiles in silence when see her father smiling to the image of her younger daughter playing and and admiring the trinket as if it's the most precious thing in the world. In many ways it is.

Castle is better now, at least to an outsider. He smiles more, even laughs sometimes, and spends every waking hour with Lizzie, talking to her, reading to her, creating new stories just for her, showing her old pictures in a photo album that hasn't been touched in years. At night he continues to write about murders and crimes, but not about a female detective anymore. He don't want to let those charactars hunt his mind again.

They take a trip for that birthday, Castle and his girls, to the Hamptons because Elizabeth had spent the previous week talking about how she misses swimming with her sister and playing in the sand. So they spend the day doing exactly what the little girl wanted to do, Alexis took the birthday girl to the beach where they made a huge sandcastle because their father loved to make jokes about "The Castles making castles". Just before the sunset they ate cake and Lizzie asks her father to pick a movie for them to watch after dinner.

When night starts to fall they ate cake and Lizzie asks her father to pick a movie for them to watch after dinner. And so they do, but at the middle of the movie Castle gets up and goes outside because Lizzie it's almost asleep he knows that she won't notice it. Alexis just closes her eyes and try to sleep too, because has been five years now and she can't handle the tears anymore. But she understands that her little sister's birthday, which should be happy, also bears a darker marker in time. She knows that he'll sit on the sand and not saying anything, just apologizing in his mind because he couldn't bring her flowers today this time, she knows that he'll run his fingers over his gold band. Knows that he'll cry because that's what she wants to do too.

"You're the strong one now," he tells himself, words whispered because he needs someone, anyone, even himself, to remind him to keep breathing.

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"I have to go to school?"

"Yes," Rick says as he zips up Lizzie's red coat. "You'll have fun, see your friends, and I'll pick you up at 11:45, so it's not that long."

"Will I get to color?"

"You sure will."

"An' play?"

Castle laughs, "Yes."

"An,' an' then nap?"

At this Castle blinks and stops, his fingers still tangled in her shoelaces. "Huh? You want to nap?"

Lizzie nods, rubbing a hand over her eyes, " 'M sleepy."

He frowns and puts a hand to her forehead. "No school today, for you Munchkin. You've got a little bit of a fever."

It's a battle to actually get her in to bed, cause even if she says the opposite, the five year old girl loves to go to school, especially now that she's learning to read. In the end Castle just lays on the sofa with her, a blanket and the TV on. He spends most of the day curled up with her, her head in his lap while she sleeps and his hand on her forehead as he waits for her fever to break.

Except that it doesn't break. Castle gets out the thermometer, frowning when it reads a hundred and two and rising. He's had fevers that high in his lifetime, higher even. But Elizabeth is a little, still growing, five year old girl and this is the highest fever she's ever had. He tells himself not to worry, that it's just a fever, a cold. When she breaks a hundred and four Rick drives her to the Children's Hospital.

* * *

"They say it's just a fever," Alexis tells him when she meets him in the waiting room. Castle wants so bad to believe his daughter, wants to believe that everything is gonna be okay.

It's just after ten when it starts to rain, and it's less than a half hour later that the nurse tells Castle that Lizzie's fever is at a hundred and six. It's a little over an hour to midnight when he leaves the hospital running and Alexis doesn't stop him.

Castle runs in the rain, through the city until every part of his body is soaked and he doesn't stop. He runs until he's standing on the edge of an expanse of grass, and in the darkness and the rain it takes him longer than usual to navigate the twisting paths of headstones, but if he closed his eyes he knows he could find it even then. It's only then that he stops running. In the darkness and the rain it takes him longer than usual to navigate the twisting paths of headstones, but if he closed his eyes he knows he could find it even then.

When he does find it he falls to his knees into the mud, his fists tearing into the grass at it's base as he sucks in breath after breath, trying to remember how to breath. "Please," he gasps out, the word barely audible over the sound of the rain that streaks down the marble, over the name, and washes into the mud and grass where he's fallen. "Please, Kate, don't let them take her. Please."

Richard wants to believe she can hear him, that she can help him, that she cares, but that's not the reality. And he's the one who fail his promise. "Please, Beckett! If I lose her too I-" He sobs, the words getting caught in his throat. "Please … Kate. Please." Castle leans his head against the stone with the carved words "Even on the worst days there's a possibility for joy" and tries to remember how to breath and why it is worth it.

Breathing is worth it because of morning coffees, books and swing sets. "You can't! You can't let them, Kate! Please!"

The rain doesn't stop.

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**Twitter: **missparkIes  
**Tumblr:** alwayscatchingkillers


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